How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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