call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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