the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
