I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
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I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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