Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
