based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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