I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We don't watch enough power rangers
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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