why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
