If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he thought i was a dude.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize