Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
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The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
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Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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