The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Randomize
