apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
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would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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