I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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