If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
