watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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