Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
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She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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