i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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