wanna go halves on a baby?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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