I think I died a long time ago.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
