I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
