I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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