idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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