I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
