Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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