Umm I'm too high to move.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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