new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
its not stalking. its research.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
