Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
