I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
