My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
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