I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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