the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
