I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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