Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Randomize
