my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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