Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
