At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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