glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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