you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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