Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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