you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
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My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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