so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
