i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
