I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
