I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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