if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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