shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
