Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
