only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
