is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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