just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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