i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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