Don't you send me to vm
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
