Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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