it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
