peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
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8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
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Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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