My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
