How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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