My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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