Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
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A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
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In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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