I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
